jeanniejck's Xanga

Kevin...ooh lala

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:56:54 GMT

He is just sexy, he may not really deserve me since he's kinda flaky at times and stuff, but he will always be sexy to me. I know he really missed me cause he just came and sat on me, then grabbed my hands and put them on him. He was talking to me a lot and it was just sweet. I think he really likes when I hold him too. I like holding him also cause I can instantly relax knowing that he's there.

See, he always looks at me LOL

When we were watching the movie and something funny would happen and he'd laugh, he'd look over at me. I guess to see if I was laughing too or whatever. He's just so cute...and his hair is coming back in...yay, I cannot wait until I can run my hand through it or pull it. LOL

Oh and while we were having sex, I had my one hand on his neck kinda choking him and I think I dug my nail into his neck too. Ooops. I don't mean to hurt him, but it's so good sometimes, and maybe I kinda do want to hurt him a little bit cause I get pissed at him at times. I'm so nice. haha.

I hope I don't regret it later but I'm so glad that I didn't really have to give up on Kevin. I'm so glad Kush broke up with me too. Kush would've been worse...I know it. Ugh, I don't even want to think about Kush, but don't worry, we can still be friends. Yeah, right. I could never be friends with him again. I'm glad to be with Kevin. Like Criss reminded me, he's not with anyone else...so I must mean something to him, atleast a little bit. So I kinda have him haha.

I really missed him those (almost) 3 weeks.

Yay for me=)

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 03:17:25 GMT

Saw Kevin last night and it was so nice. We watched "Ghosts of girlfriends past" and before we watched it, I gave him the money and he had me shove it down his pants haha. Sex was amazing!!! OMG and twice. Holy shit man. Ooh lala. And he talked to me alot so I think he missed me. But dude, we cannot go that long again. I think I would have to kill someone if we did. Oh and he has a twitter too LOL I'm following him now.

Then I met Jenna Haze the other night;) She called me "cutie" and was so nice and sweet to me. She sat completely naked on me for a pic and I got 2 pics of her, although I was too nice and gave Kush one. I think she liked my face by her crotch as I grabbed the poster of her with my mouth LOL. Good times tho.

This is stupid.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:57:10 GMT

Ya know, I'm so glad I wake up everyday to live this shitty life that I do with all these dumbass people in it. It's not fair that I am being given this crap. Today is Kevin's bday and where the fuck is he? Who the hell knows, but not with me. It's 2 weeks and 2 days today and I called him around 9pm tonight, no answer. I am trying again at 10pm and ya know what? That money that Carlos gave me is being spent very soon here if I don't see him by Friday. This is bullshit. I'm sick of him. Maybe he all of the sudden found someone else...good luck there, cause they're never gonna be hot like me. I am tempted just to do a drive over there and see. But why? I've slept basically all day today. I've been so freaking depressed for months now and if Kevin and I are done, then seriously, why should I live? I have no real long term goals and I am just so miserable.

My dad and I are talking again. I don't know why I'm lowering myself to talk to someone who was also never there for me. He's acting like he cares and crap and I know that deep down, all he wants is my money that I will never have. I honestly just hate myself. It's so stupid and I'm tired of waking up to a life that I never wanted. It should've never turned out this way.

Find someone else...yeah, that's real easy. Maybe for you. Everyone I like lives in BFE and they'd probably be like the rest of the others anyways.Or they'd turn out like my family that I never really had either just it was always easier for them to give me up than love me. Yeah thanks to everyone who has never given a shit. You are all such winners.

Big Pussy or Cock Master LOL

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:21:58 GMT

Halloween was pretty good. Ended up going to the Halloween party thing, thanks to John loaning me the money. Jason was cute at the after party thing. My feet hurt so I went and sat down and watched people have fun. He was dressed as Elvis and came over saying "what is a pretty girl doing sitting by herself?" So he sat by me for awhile and we flirted. Even got pics together. He is very shy and doesn't talk much so I was very shocked that he said what he did and came by me. Criss said he may like me. YAY.

Everyone kept asking me why I was so scary too and it was really annoying. Duh, it's fucking Halloween. Jason said I was pretty tho, so hey, that counts for something LOL I mean, I did purposely have my bra hanging out:) I told Jason he was cuter than the real Elvis too. He's hot. =)

Tomorrow is Kevin's bday...and now I have money that the one guy in the Meetup gave me to give to him. So I wonder if I will hear from him or not????

And Kush is single again...he likes me....

WTF, seriously.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 04:23:44 GMT

John, for some reason, reminded me last night that he will never be with me. Yeah thanks.

Saw Kevin at the meetup thing, he left without saying bye. He told me last night that he'd see about getting together tonight...he left. No nothing. I called him twice all pissed...claims he forgot...then says he's not up for it tonight. I suggest his bday since it's Wed, he says "we'll see" once again.

Then John talks to me on aim and says that he doesnt think Kevin did anything wrong.

And the point of me living is.....

People really make me hate myself.

I hate my life...

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:58:59 GMT

Kevin has been on vacation this whole fucking week and have I heard from him? Hell no. Im trying to see him after the meetup thing tomorrow cause he's going and it was like it'd be too late to see me. I pointed out that he doesnt work on Friday cause he's on vacation and he's like "Oh thats a good point". Who the fuck cares...we both don't work Friday, why can't he take two seconds and see me? OMG, I must be so worthless in his eyes...do I honestly mean so little to him that he doesn't even act caring enough to see me? That's all I want from him. I don't even have to be in a relationship with him and yet, he cant even pretend to want me?

I hate myself and I seriously want to know why I try or bother? Why am I even existing for?? I really don't wanna be here right now.

I'd like to thank my parents...

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:32:14 GMT

Dear Dad,
I would like to thank you for all those times you made fun of my body, especially my ass, while I was growing up. I never knew what it was like to be insecure before you started your ridiculing. I know you had such a great body, that gut and everything is just so attractive, I'm sure you got lots of attention. Your good looks almost made up for the awesome father you became. A lot of the time, I really wondered how I was related to you since I never made fun of you in any way. You almost made me as happy as my mother felt when you let your entire family verbally bash her right in front of me. I'd also like to thank you for only wanting to see me to get money. I know that was such an important thing for you to have...my money compared to my love. I bet it was just painful for you to screw me over. So I'd like to be proud that you made me go to a college that I didn't have any real desire to go to instead of being a cop like I wanted. You always were so accepting of my real goals and always let me do what I wanted in life. I really am glad that I screwed you over...thank you for paying for my school loans...it's the least I can do

Dear Mom,
I would like to thank you for being such a fake mother. All these years you made me believe that you'd never hurt me like my father did, but I was completely wrong. Not only are you worse, but you have shown me that you could make up not hurting me for years and years in one instant by calling the cops on your own daughter. Am I so dangerous that you needed to do that? I was giving you all the money I had and it was never good enough for you. Then you have the nerve to call me darling infront of the cops as I've getting kicked out. I guess it really is easier to give your children up than to actually take the time to forgive and love them. You kick them out on the street and don't even look back. You really are the mother of the year!

Dear Mom and Dad,
I'd like to thank the both of you for being incredible parents to me. Not only can I thank the both of you for fucking me up for life, but I can thank you two for being awesome role models. I did love you guys for bringing me into this world but I will hate the way you both have chosen to show me love. I'd just like you guys to know that I will never become like the you two. When I have a family, they will never know what my parents did to me. You are both failures and always will be. So thank you for showing me that.

You drag me down

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 01:49:09 GMT

I saw John last night and it was amazing for the most part. I think he was shocked that I was at his place and he said I was crazy on the phone, but he never said he thought I was cause he said he was crazy. He seemed fine that I was there with him and I even helped him clean a bit, so he thanked me for that. He also said that if I wouldn't have been there, the garbage would've sat there for another 3 weeks hehe. I bought his guinea pig organic carrots and when I showed him what I got, he laughed. Then he showered as I waited in bed for him and he had me shut off the light so I wouldnt see him in just his boxers...omg I've seen him naked (not in person tho) and in his boxers twice before or maybe 3 times now...haha...so holy moley, I can deal John. He's sexy, so idk why he tries to pretend that he's not. He thanked me for being there and I just took control and held him a bit but he likes to move around alot. :( But he didn't mind me holding him either and I actually fell asleep faster holding him, than not. He's so sweet and he was so worried about not being able to fall asleep cause of the night before and him freaking out. He thinks he has ghosts in his house...he has a fucking huge house and he lives there alone...I'd be scared too. He said that if I wouldn't have been there last night, he wouldn't have came home too. So I think it meant alot to him that I was there. He even let me use his laptop to go online while he did some stuff...and I talked to Criss<33 Then this morning he woke up late and I felt bad. I hope he didn't get in too much trouble. He thanked me a bunch of times for being there and helping him clean some. Then a few times, he'd offer me food, medicine and something to drink...I can't even remember the last time Kevin did that. This is what John doesn't understand...he is unlike any other man I've been friends with or hung around...he is thoughtful. He takes care of me in ways people never have and yet, he doesn't think he's a good person. I just wish he would be with me...I'm not vegan, but he knows that I would be for him. I would do anything to be with him...he deserves a good woman in his life. Criss even said that she doesn't understand why John and I aren't together and really, I don't either. I don't know why he's so afraid of me. I would never hurt him...he wouldn't hurt me and ya know, we would be good together. We would last. I just wish he realized it.

Tonight I'm going to save him and who knows, perhaps he'll save me too

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:24:28 GMT

John's comment on Facebook:

"last night was disaster hell night. u r one of about 3 people i can talk to, maybe the only who can help me jeannie. i am sorry to make my problems yours too, but i need help."

I tried calling, but he didn't answer, so I left a voicemail. I was, and still am, all worried about him. I wait a few hours in hopes to hear from him and don't. I log onto yahoo and he's on there. Here's the convo:

Me: hey

John : hi

Me: are you okay? Im worried about you. I called

John : no im not ok

Me:do you need me to come over later? we should talk

John : well i am ok now but wont be later

Me: why? talk to me hun

John : i've got a major problem

Me: i will come over. with??

John : i am not joking but...

Me:I know, Im not either

John :my house is fucked up it is haunted i went to bed at 12:30 and woke up at 1:20 and swear to god something was looking at me i screamed so loud and ran out of my house and stood in the street i was never so scared in my entire life but there was no one there i am losing my mind or it is haunted

Me: omg well Im doing much better so when will you be home?

John : i have class tonight my head hurts so bad right now

Me: i dont think you're losing your mind..okay so what time you be home from class? aww im sorry. I'll massage it

John : there are 2 problems with what happened one is that i am going insane and two it is very dangerous to sleepwalk in my house my balcony is 25 feet

Me: you are not going insane. yes, I remember, lots of levels. you have to remember, its just you in that house. you're constantly alone. I get scared by myself too, especially in a big place. you just need company. you're alone there too often, you've probably had a lot going on too. I dont blame you but you're not going insane

John : k

Me:so i will wait for you if I have to, but you need to chill out and just hang

John: i dont want to bring u into my demonized house

Me: i will be fine.i've already been there twice. I will protect you. im not scared you will be fine too. nothing can touch you you'll be okay hun. i will wait

John : we'll see. i dont know what the hell im gonna do. u r the only one i will let over. right now if i go home that is

Me: I know hun, thats why i think this is a good idea. you'll need your sleep. you need to go home. i'll be there

John Madachik: i might sleep in my car lol. be bak in a bit, gotta eat lunch

Me:no no, its too cold hun, you'll get sick. k

I know he needs me there tonight whether he wants to admit it or not. I keep saying I'll be there and he doesn't say no. Just that he doesn't want me to come into his "demonized house". Well, I've been there 2 times before and things were fine, so he's just freaking out I think. I dont think it's haunted but I'm not for sure. I think he just wants for me to be there, cause he probably knows I will go there for him. But I';ve never drove there by myself, so I have to go early when it's still light out and wait for him. I know I'll probably have to wait awhile but oh well. I'm sure I'll be able to sleep or do something fun to amuse myself haha.

I love him.

Uber Horny

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 18:20:08 GMT

Ok for some reason last night and this morning...even now I'm so fucking horny. I couldnt go back to sleep this morning cause I was thinking so dirty. Damn Kevin for not seeing me last night. I seriously need to fuck him very soon here cause I'm seriously gonna go out of control. There's an episode of Buffy where Spike makes a Buffybot cause the real Buffy won't give him the time of day so you see him constantly having sex with it. haha, I wish you could really have those...make it like anyone you wanted...but it's completely life-like. That would be so awesome. I'd never leave the bedroom. Kevinbot or Johnbot:) That would be hot for sure. But it'd talk and have the same voice and looks...basically a twin of the real person haha. It's fucked up in some ways but I don't care. Atleast the bot would always be there....

Damn, where the hell is Kevin? I need to get laid nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.